By Kit Klaes

Try not to be too impressed, but I’m writing this article in the library. That’s right- the library. Simmer down, fellas.

In fact, I have spent more time here in the past three days than I have throughout my entire university career combined, which isn’t saying much.

Now that it’s third year, I apparently need to get my shit together. My mom keeps saying silly things like, “You’re unemployable,” “You drink too much alcohol,” and “How does binge-watching ‘Glee’ count towards your degree?” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

My return to this dreaded hell-hole has been less than stellar as I managed to break one of the printers beyond repair, even baffling IT Services. Can’t a gal print some shirtless pics of Channing Tatum without setting a machine on fire?

Not to fear- things are looking up… slowly but surely. My friend recently showed me that they have books here, and if you want, you can check them out. I probably won’t use this function of the library, but it’s nice to know that it’s an option.
While I do not want my weekly column to become simply how- to lists, in light of recent events, I felt it was my duty, nay responsibility, to share with you the most important things I’ve learned during these past hours at the library.

1) Beware of being lured to the library under false pretenses. Just because they allow you to check out DVDs does not mean you can call it a “movie rental store.”

2) There are more idiots here than I imagined. I just saw some guy try to karate chop the entrance gate when his matriculation card wouldn’t scan. I saw some other idiot walk into a glass wall, which I thought was really funny until I did the same thing five minutes later.

3) While most seats are equipped with a power outlet, bringing your own toaster and Hot Pockets is extremely frowned upon.

4) The “SafePod” is supposed to be used for research rather than a time-out zone during games of hide-and-go-seek tag. Furthermore, library rounds of hide-and-go-seek tag are ill advised.

5) During the first few weeks of term, you will not need any weaponry to locate a seat. However, I am currently in talks regarding the creation of a society that will professionally train students in combat skills, so when revision season approaches, we all will have a fair fight for chairs.

Three days of my life I’ve now given to the library. I’ve actually been somewhat productive- well if you disregard the thirty minute ‘study break’ I used to write this article.

In all honesty, I’m really just trying to blend in, hide my disgusting appearance, and hope that nobody recognizes the two day old ketchup stain on my shirt. I can only hope that this advice encourages you to overlook any hesitation you may have about entering the library.