It’s a known fact that St Andrews, despite having an arguably lacklustre nightlife, has an excellent selection of pubs to visit. It’s also a known fact these pubs can be pretty pricey. In this Choose Your Own Adventure, your task is to go out for a mid-week pub trip on a budget. You’ve got to have fun, but be aware that you can’t spend all your money or you won’t be able to afford a big one at the end of the week. Also try not to go to jail. Or die. Got it?
– Actually, I don’t feel like playing (Go to 102)
1.
It’s 8pm on a Tuesday evening and you feel like going to the pub to ward off the extreme stress of subhonours Management classes. You currently have no plans, but you’re really keen to go somewhere. Do you:
– Text some friends to try and make a last-minute plan (Go to 2)
– Just go to a pub and see what happens (Go to 3)
2.
You text most of your friends, and most of them are busy, except for 2 people. The first is a guy you shared a corridor with in first year, who you don’t know that well, but you can make decent conversation with. The second is a girl you are on a fashion show committee with, who’s a bit stuck up but is pretty fun to go out with. Do you:
– Go with the first guy (Go to 4)
– Go with the second girl (Go to 5)
– Try and find another friend (Go to 6)
3.
Wow! That’s pretty daring of you to just go to the pub on your own like that. I admire that. Which pub are you going to go to?
4.
He tells you to meet him at The Criterion. One problem: you don’t know where The Criterion is. Turns out you’ve just never been before. Do you:
– Use the internet to find out where it is (Go to 10)
– Just walk into town and let the wind guide you (Go to 11)
– Ask a passing stranger for directions (Go to 70)
5.
She’s so excited to go out with you! In fact, she’s already drunk because she was at a snowsports event (she’s American). She tells you to join her and a friend at The Adamson. You don’t really have that much money to burn. Do you:
– Say “fuck it” and join them (Go to 12)
– Claim to suddenly have fallen deeply ill and unable to go out anymore (Go to 13)
– Ask her to meet you at Brew Co. instead (Go to 30)
6.
You spend another half an hour or so texting everybody you know, but no-one else wants to come out with you. You even texted your ex, but they were busy having passionate sex with someone more attractive than you. You end up crying yourself to sleep while drooling into a melted tub of Ben & Jerry’s. FAILED.
7.
You walk into Aikman’s and you suddenly realise: oh no! It’s Tory Tuesday! You try and sneak away, but it’s too late! The Tories have seen you. You go over and sit with them. They’re harmless, right? But you aren’t really a Tory, you only experiment with conservative policies when you’re drunk. What are you going to do to make the Tories like you?
– Make a racist joke (Go to 14)
– Put £500 behind the bar and announce that drinks are on you (Go to 15)
– Announce proudly that you love Jeremy Corbyn (Go to 16)
8.
You walk into The Rule, but it’s pretty empty. There seems to be an event happening in the upstairs area which seems popular, but you aren’t sure what it is. There are a few groups of people around tables. Do you:
– Go upstairs to see what the event is (Go to 17)
– Go to the bar and buy a drink (Go to 18)
– Walk over to a group of strangers and start a conversation (Go to 19)
9.
The Whey Pat is BUSY this evening! So many groups of people! You’ll definitely have a good time here! Which group of people are you going to join?
– The Folk and Trad group performing in the front of the bar (Go to 20)
– The local men playing darts (Go to 21)
– The Opera Society pub social happening in the back room (Go to 22)
10.
Turns out The Criterion is on South Street! Who would have known! You meet your friend there, but he’s looking a little different from when you last saw him. Which new feature do you ask him about?
– His new bleached hair (Go to 23)
– His unexpectedly huge muscles. (Go to 24)
11.
You start walking in the direction of town, but you aren’t really paying attention to where you’re going because you’re busy thinking about your management group project that no-one else in your group is contributing to. You stop for a moment and realise you’ve gone the wrong way! You’ve ended up in …… the Badlands! How are you going to get out of this horrible predicament?
– Look for St Salvator’s Chapel in the skyline and go in that direction (Go to 27)
– Instantly burst into flames (Go to 28)
12.
You walk into The Adamson and your friend calls out for you. She stumbles over to give you a hug and introduces you to her friend. She offers to buy you a drink – how generous of her! Which drink do you order?
13.
You’re not a very convincing liar, but luckily your friend is very gullible (she’s American.) You stay home, but you spend all night wondering if you would have had fun if you went out. You’ve saved money, but you’ve lost an opportunity to make friends, dance and let off some steam. Can you really put a price on experiences like that? Suddenly, you jolt awake! It turns out you are actually a University of Edinburgh student, dreaming about being in St Andrews! Automatically, your life is miserable because you study at Edinburgh. FAILED.
14.
That went down a treat! You’re getting on well with the Tories, and one of them has even bought you a drink! However, a few of them still don’t look totally convinced that you’re a friendly face. What else can you do to make yourself seem more integrated into the group?
– Make a homophobic joke (Go to 31)
– Talk about elite snowsports (Go to 32)
– Show them your tax return (Go to 33)
15.
Did you read the intro of this article? You weren’t supposed to spend all of your money, and now you’ve put your entire savings behind the bar of Aikman’s! Worst of all, you did it for the Tories! I hope you’re happy with the decisions you’ve made this evening, because I sure as hell am not. FAILED.
16.
Funnily enough, that strategy didn’t work. Now all the Tories are laughing at you and you look like a clown. What are you going to do to rectify the situation?
– Tell that racist joke from before (Go to 14)
– Start a bar fight (Go to 36)
17.
You walk upstairs and you realise it’s a St Andrews Radio show social! There’s a lot of chatter and laughter going on and everyone seems to be having a really good time. The Head of Events offers you a drink, to which you obviously say yes. You pull up a chair and meet some amazing people, and even find out how to apply for a show next semester. The alcohol inspires you to write a CYOA for The Record! What an amazing evening! SUCCESS!
18.
There’s barely anyone at the bar, yet somehow it still takes a worryingly long time to get served. I guess that’s The Rule for you. While you’re waiting, a group of your close friends walk in! You had no ideas they were going to be there! They come up to you and say hello. How do you react?
– Happy to see friends (Go to 37)
– Angry that they didn’t invite you (Go to 38)
19.
You walk over to a random table and say hi. They say hi back, but clearly don’t want you there. Why would you do this while both you and the strangers are sober? It’s not even 9pm. That was dumb. What do you do now?
– Go upstairs to see what the event is (Go to 17)
– Go to the bar and buy a drink (Go to 18)
20.
You sit with The Folk and Trad group for a while, singing Scots songs and drinking pints. You have a really lovely night, and The Whey Pat isn’t too pricy so you’ve not spent all your cash! SUCCESS!
21.
The local men playing darts are already quite drunk, which is a slightly terrifying prospect, are you sure you want to go and join them?
22.
It’s all well and good chatting with these perfectly friendly Opera Society members, but you don’t know a thing about classical music, and they keep making inside jokes about The Magic Flute (or is it the Magic Flute? You wouldn’t even know). What do you do to try and steer the conversation into more accessible territory?
– Ask about the music scene in St Andrews (Go to 41)
– Ask them what their favourite opera is (Go to 42)
– Boldly claim that all opera is terrible (Go to 43)
23.
He tells you that he just wanted to try something a bit different, but you know full well that bleaching your hair is a cry for help. Do you:
– Offer to buy shots (Go to 46)
24.
He tells you that he’s been very into the gym recently, and it certainly shows. He explains that he’s been feeling a lot more confident and happier with his appearance. You slowly realise that he’s actually flirting with you. Do you:
– Ignore the flirting (Go to 48)
25.
He actually seems pretty nonchalant about the fact that he’s Satan. Who knew that the literal devil lived on your corridor in first year? Isn’t that crazy. He tells you that he just got bored of being in hell recently and wanted a change of scenery. You’re very intrigued by this discovery. Do you:
– Ask what it’s like to be Satan (Go to 50)
– Ask why he chose The Criterion as his go-to pub (Go to 51)
– Ask to go and visit hell with him (Go to 52)
26.
You call 999 and the police answer. You tell them that you’re lost in the Badlands and that you might die if someone doesn’t come and help you. The police tell you not to call again or you’ll be arrested for wasting police time. Do you:
– Call the police again (Go to 53)
– Look for St Salvator’s Chapel in the skyline and go in that direction (Go to 27)
– Instantly burst into flames (Go to 28)
27.
You follow the faint silhouette of St Salvator’s Chapel through the treacherous streets of the Badlands. After several terrifying minutes of walking, you arrive at the bottom of the travellator. Do you:
– Walk up the travelator (Go to 54)
– Decide it’s too much effort and call a taxi (Go to 55)
28.
I’m not sure this was the best strategy, girl. I’m not sure how you managed to spontaneously combust, but you did. You’re now dead, which means you can’t go to the pub. Luckily, you didn’t bring any cash with you, so you didn’t burn any money (literally). It takes a lot of money to be this dead! FAILED.
29.
She didn’t hear you properly because the bar is busy, so just bought you a gin and tonic and a shot of vodka. You hang out as a group for a while, and she continues to buy you drinks. Soon, she tells you that it’s your turn to buy drinks this time. Do you:
– Enthusiastically say you will (Go to 56)
– Reluctantly say you will (Go to 56)
– Refuse to, on the basis that it is too expensive (Go to 57)
30.
If it was anyone else, they’d refuse, but your friend is American, remember? She’s dumb and drunk enough to agree to move pubs at the drop of a hat. As you walk into Brew Co. you spot her at the bar, waving at you frantically. She’s already bought you a pint!
– Thank her and drink the beer (Go to 34)
– Refuse the drink and order a G&T instead (Go to 39)
31.
The Tories are cackling at your homophobic joke! You’ve really managed to charm your way into their hearts. They keep buying you round after round of drinks, and have even invited you to sit on the StASAPP (St Andrews Students Against Poor People) committee! SUCCESS?
32.
It’s pretty clear that you don’t know what you’re talking about. Wakeboarding is a watersport, silly! They politely ask you to leave their conversation. Feeling dejected, you leave Aikman’s looking sorry for yourself. You want to grab a snack on your way home to cheer yourself up. Where do you go?
33.
The Tories are all deeply confused by you showing your tax return. Why did you have it out with you? Either way, it’s pretty clear that from the document that you aren’t rich enough to hang out with them and they politely ask you to leave their conversation. Feeling dejected, you leave Aikman’s looking sorry for yourself. You want to grab a snack on your way home to cheer yourself up. Where do you go?
34.
You drink your sad glass of brown bread water, wishing it was anything else, while she talks your ear off about sidewalks or hot dogs or guns or something. You start to daydream about that G&T you wanted, when you suddenly realise she’s waiting for you to reply!
– “No, of course not!” (Go to 44)
35.
You’re standing outside Aikman’s, and it’s starting to get a little chilly. What are you going to do to stay warm?
– Burn your tax return and use the flames to warm yourself (Go to 62)
36.
You start squaring up with the president of the Conservative Society. He looked pretty puny earlier, but you’ve now realised he’s full of a lot of white rage and is ready to fight. You swing at him but you miss, and while you recover, he smashes a bottle of wine on your head. The blow kills you instantly. But hey, you didn’t spend any money! FAILED.
37.
You’re happy to see your friends! In fact, you’re so happy, you decide to buy them all drinks! You know it won’t amount to much because you’ve got your student discount card with you! Except, when it’s time to pay, you can’t find it. You realise you accidentally picked up your tax return instead of your discount card! Silly you! What do you do?
– Just pay up, bitch (Go to 63)
– Ask to borrow a discount card from a friend (Go to 64)
P.S. The tax return is important for other versions of this adventure. I promise it’s not that weird.
38.
They tell you that they just forgot to invite you, but this doesn’t make you any less angry. This group are some of your best friends! How could they just forget about you like that? You pressure them to tell you the truth, and eventually one of them reveals that the reason they didn’t invite you out with them is because:
– You keep stealing all of their bread from their breadbin every time you visit (Go to 66)
– Last week you sharted in 601 (Go to 67)
39.
Don’t be rude! This is your friend, even if she is American!
– Accept the beer graciously (Go to 34)
40.
You walk over to the local men, but your timing isn’t great. You walk over and say hello, but in doing so you distract the man playing darts and he ends up throwing the dart into your eye. You start losing a lot of blood very quickly and eventually die because of the wound. FAILED.
41.
They tell you that the music scene in St Andrews is super diverse, and they start listing all of the different opportunities there are at the university. They mention RockSoc, and you suddenly remember that they have an event on this evening at the union. However, they also tell you that RockSoc people are “super weird,” and instead invite you to go back to one of their flats to continue the party. Do you:
– Go to the RockSoc event (Go to 73)
– Follow the Opera Society members (Go to 74)
42.
Why did you ask that? You don’t know anything about opera! They all respond to your question, and ask you what your favourite opera is. Fuck, you don’t know any! What do you say?
– The Marriage of Figaro (Go to 75)
43.
They Opera Society are initially shocked, but then burst out laughing. “We agree!” they say, “Opera is terrible! But we still manage to enjoy ourselves!” You admire their self-awareness and decide to stay with them a bit longer.
Flash forward seven years. You’re about to get evicted from your London flat for missing rent payments. You are resigned to the fact that you’ll have to live with your parents for the next few months, until you get a proper job. In hindsight, classical music is a cut-throat business, and maybe you should have chosen a more stable career path. Performing in operas was so much fun at university, but you didn’t think it would be this hard to stand out from the crowd. You worked so hard to get into a conservatoire, and it was all for nothing. FAIL-
Wait, you remember that night! Oh, the pub trip! It was really fun! You had a good time, and you joined opera society. You developed such a passion for opera because of your spontaneous pub trip! SUCCESS?
44.
Wrong answer! She runs out crying, and while you’re somewhat relieved to be American free, you’re alone now! What’s worse, when you bump into her in Tesco the next day, she avoids you! This happens over and over again until you realise that you were rude to another human being, even if she was an American. Now you’re going to have to figure out how to apologise. FAILED.
45.
He suddenly breaks down and starts sobbing into his drink, telling you about how he’s been struggling with his university work and is overwhelmed by the workload. He asks you what he can do to make himself feel better.
– Tell him to contact student services (Go to 78)
– Offer to do all of his coursework for the rest of the academic year (Go to 79)
– Laugh at him and leave without paying (Go to 80)
46.
This was arguably not a great idea, but he takes you up on the offer. You buy a round of shots and he cheers up and it’s really great chatting to him. But as time goes on you have more and more shots and he starts to break down sobbing again. It’s even worse than before, it’s the full waterworks. What do you do?
– Offer him some water and take him home (Go to 81)
– Laugh at him and leave without paying (Go to 80)
47.
Ooh la la! It looks like you guys are on a date now! He buys another round of drinks and the conversation is flowing, and it seems like you guys have really good chemistry. There is a lull in the conversation – what do you say to get it flowing again?
– “How’re you finding your course this semester?” (Go to 82)
– “Have you seen what Sally Mapstone wrote in her last email?” (Go to 83)
– “Are we gonna fuck or what?” (Go to 84)
48.
You play dumb to his flirting, but he doesn’t stop. It’s kind of tiring and you don’t really want to stay at the pub with him anymore. What’s your exit strategy?
– Tell him you’re not interested in his advances (Go to 85)
– Tell him you’re going to the toilet and sneak out while he isn’t looking (Go to 86)
49.
That was sort of an awkward thing to say, but it has put him off. He seems annoyed that he’s not going to get into your pants tonight, but that’s just him being a dumb, clueless man. Seeming dejected, he decides he’s going to head home. What do you do?
– Offer to walk home with him – it’s on the way to yours (Go to 87)
50.
He tells you it’s tough being Satan. The workload is exhausting, especially with all these Tories dying nowadays. He’s also faced budget cuts: God has been harsh to Hell, and they’ve had to make a large proportion of their workforce redundant. It’s sad to hear, but you are also talking to the devil so it’s hard to be sympathetic. What do you say to make him feel better?
– “It’s okay, torture is a hard line of work” (Go to 90)
– “Maybe I could come and volunteer in Hell?” (Go to 91)
– “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?” (Go to 92)
51.
Really? You’ve just met Satan himself and you’re asking him why he likes this particular pub? Surely you would have some bigger questions than that?
– Ask what it’s like to be Satan (Go to 50)
– Ask to go and visit hell with him (Go to 52)
52.
He agrees to let you visit hell! In fact, there is a direct bus to hell leaving in a few minutes! You leave the pub and walk to the bus stop. Hopping on the bus, it takes around fifteen minutes to get to the entrance of hell, and the bus seems to travel around the entirety of St Andrews before it gets to your stop. You hop off the bus and you’re at the entrance to Agnes Blackadder Hall. But hold on – aren’t we supposed to be in hell now? And then it hits you. Agnes Blackadder Hall is literally, canonically, hell. FAILED.
53.
I mean, you were warned. You call the police again, and an officer finds your location and arrests you. They take you down to the station, but they clearly aren’t intending to keep you for a long time. However, you trip over on your way out of the station, and your tax return falls out of your pockets. It is clear from the document that you’ve been dodging tax for the last five years. The police find it and you are sent to prison for seven years. FAILED.
54.
After a treacherous hike up the travellator, you’ve finally reached the top! You feel like a courageous climber who has finally conquered Everest after years of training. Although you appear to have forgotten why you bothered leaving the house in the first place. All you know is that after your long walk, you are really hungry. Where do you go to buy a snack?
55.
You realise you could have called a taxi to the pub in the first place? You’ve wasted a lot of time here.
56.
You buy the next round of drinks. Of course your friend decides to get an expensive cocktail, which is frustrating given how drunk she is already. You’ve left a significant hole in your wallet, but you’re having fun so it isn’t the end of the world! A while later, your friend tells you that it is your turn to buy drinks again, which is simply not true. By this point she is exceptionally drunk and another drink might send her over the edge. What do you do?
– Offer to walk her home (Go to 94)
– Say “fuck it” and buy the next round anyway (Go to 95)
– Start a bar fight with her (Go to 96)
57.
She gets mad at you. She cannot BELIEVE you would disrespect you like that. To be fair, she has been buying you drinks all night. What do you do?
– Cave and buy the round of drinks (Go to 56)
58.
You arrive at Tesco and get in with just ten minutes left before closing. It’s practically empty, with only staff restocking the shelves. You need to go and get your snack quickly. What are you going to buy?
– A packet of five milk chocolate cookies (Go to 99)
– A whole courgette (Go to 100)
59.
You arrive at Dervish and you realise you’ve made a mistake – it’s peak time and it’s sprawling with people. The worst thing is that it’s full of people you sort-of know, which might make this slightly awkward. What do you do?
– Put on a brave face and order some cheesy chips (Go to 101)
– Leave and try your luck at the Shell Garage (Go to 60)
– Check the leftover empty boxes in Dervish to see if anyone has left some food scraps (Go to 103)
60.
Good decision-making! Shell Garage is always a good time. You walk in and mosey towards the chocolate biscuits, when suddenly an old friend from halls walks in. You ask her what she’s up to today and she says that she’s on her way to a house party, but stopped to pick up a snack. They she invites you to join her! She’s very fun and you’ve always had a good time when you’ve gone out with her. What do you say?
– “Sounds good! Let’s go!” (Go to 104)
61.
You arrive home. You didn’t enjoy yourself, but I suppose you left the house? Always good to get some steps in. FAILED.
62.
This is a weird thing to do. I’m not really sure why you brought your tax return with you to the pub either. Now that I think about it, I think it’s relevant in another version of this Choose Your Own Adventure. Would you like to traverse space and time to get to that timeline, or do you want to stick to this one?
– Stay in this timeline (Go to 106)
63.
The Rule is pricier than you remember, but you buy everyone drinks. You chat for a bit, then suddenly you need the toilet. You’re worried that, if you decide to go to the toilet, your friends will all leave and abandon you. I mean, they didn’t invite you out in the first place, so you wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t even like you that much. What do you do?
– Go to the toilet (Go to 107)
– Stay, and pray you don’t piss yourself (Go to 108)
64.
All of your friends “conveniently” don’t have a card with them, so you end up paying full price. The Rule is pricier than you remember, but you buy everyone drinks. You chat for a bit, then suddenly you need the toilet. You’re worried that, if you decide to go to the toilet, your friends will all leave and abandon you. I mean, they didn’t invite you out in the first place *and* they didn’t let you borrow their discount cards, so you wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t even like you that much. What do you do?
– Go to the toilet (Go to 107)
– Stay, and pray you don’t piss yourself (Go to 108)
65.
You burst into tears at the front of the bar and no-one knows how to react. Your friends take you to the side to calm you down. They offer to walk you home and you accept. As you arrive at your flat they tell you to text them next Tuesday, because they will be out again, and you promise that you will. You haven’t had a successful yet cheap pub trip this time, but you can always try again next week? FAILED.
66.
You had forgotten about your bread thievery. You thought they hadn’t noticed that every time you come to their flat, you pinch the last of their 50/50 sliced loaf. Well, they have, and it’s been kinda annoying them for a while now. This is a pretty awkward situation to be in. What do you do?
– Come clean and admit to your kleptomaniacal tendencies (Go to 109)
– Lie and say you’ve never touched their bread (Go to 110)
67.
Actually, yeah, that was kinda bad. You got really drunk and became unable to control your basic bowel movements. You were the talk of the town for a solid fifteen minutes. How do you respond?
– Laugh it off – it’s embarrassing but everyone has those moments (Go to 111)
– Accept that this night is just not going to go your way and go home (Go to 112)
68.
Suddenly, you remember everything. Last month, you were hit by a falling piano in a tragic accident at Younger Hall. Your spirit has remained bound to St Andrews, unable to leave, because you still hadn’t submitted your coursework for first year Social Anthropology. You know what must be done.
You leave The Rule and walk home, switch on your laptop and log into MMS. You find the half-written essay in your Documents file and upload it to the system. As you press submit, you feel your material body fade away, as you transcend the living world and finally ascend to heaven, where you belong.
Also, your tutor gave you a 13 – you didn’t really understand the assignment but the essay was at least coherent. FAILED.
69.
It turns out she was propositioning you, and she drags you out of the pub for a night of wild mistakes. You do things together which are so depraved and debaucherous that it’ll take years of experimenting for you to even begin to understand your sexuality again. She even shows you this one move, where you lie – you know what, I think you know why you chose this number. Nevertheless, you got a free drink and a shag out of it – not bad for a Tuesday night. SUCCESS.
70.
As you’re asking the stranger for help, you can’t help but think he looks familiar. Ignoring the feeling, you listen as he tells you how to get where you’re going. He offers to walk you there, and you can’t think of a reason to say no, even though it feels…. wrong. You walk alongside him making small talk, when you hear a noise from a side alley.
– Investigate the noise (Go to 71)
– Ask if your companion heard the noise (Go to 72)
71.
You stop and turn into the alley, the man you just met following behind you. The noise repeats itself, sounding like a wounded animal. You wonder if it might be Princess Tripod – she lives somewhere on this street, right? As you move further into the shadows looking for a wounded kitty, you spot a tape recorder on the floor. It plays the sound of a wounded cat one more time, as you think “Where in the hell did someone get a tape recorder in 2020?”. It’s the last thought you have before everything goes dark.
– It was Jamie Rodney! (Go to 77)
– It was Jamie___rees! (Go to 88)
72.
You ask the strangely familiar stranger if he heard the noise from the alley too, and he looks at you with wide eyes. “N-No….” He says suspiciously, looking suspicious. He does that thing where you make your thumbs and forefingers into right angles and tap them together. What a weirdo! You decide to get away from the alley and this creep as quickly as possible, but as you move to make your getaway, you fall off the pavement and knock yourself out in the street!
– It was Jamie Rodney! (Go to 77)
– It was Jamie___rees! (Go to 88)
73.
You arrive at the RockSoc event in Sandy’s bar in the Union. You rock around the clock! SUCCESS!
74.
You go willingly to their flat party, picking up some booze on the way.
Flash forward seven years. You’re about to get evicted from your London flat for missing rent payments. You are resigned to the fact that you’ll have to live with your parents for the next few months, until you get a proper job. In hindsight, classical music is a cut-throat business, and maybe you should have chosen a more stable career path. Performing in operas was so much fun at university, but you didn’t think it would be this hard to stand out from the crowd. You worked so hard to get into a conservatoire, and it was all for nothing. FAIL-
Wait, you remember that night! Oh, the flat party! It was really fun! You had a good time, and you joined opera society. You developed such a passion for opera because of your spontaneous pub trip! SUCCESS?
75.
What a coincidence! That’s their favourite opera too! In fact, they recently staged a performance of it and have lots to share about it! You stay with the Opera Society members for the rest of the evening, chatting away.
Flash forward seven years. You’re about to get evicted from your London flat for missing rent payments. You are resigned to the fact that you’ll have to live with your parents for the next few months, until you get a proper job. In hindsight, classical music is a cut-throat business, and maybe you should have chosen a more stable career path. Performing in operas was so much fun at university, but you didn’t think it would be this hard to stand out from the crowd. You worked so hard to get into a conservatoire, and it was all for nothing. FAIL-
Wait, you remember that night! Oh, the pub trip! It was really fun! You had a good time, and you joined opera society. You developed such a passion for opera because of your spontaneous pub trip! SUCCESS?
76.
You fool! Hamilton is a musical, not an opera! The Opera Society ridicule you and you decide to leave out of shame. Feeling blue, you decide you want a snack before you go home. Where are you going?
77.
You come to strapped to a chair in the basement of the Union. (You didn’t even know the Union had a basement, but like everything in the Union, it is helpfully signposted in large lettering). Standing before you, aggressively waving a petition in your face in front of a giant campaign poster, is the familiar stranger from before. It’s Former Association President Jamie Rodney! As you try to escape from your bonds, he starts to forcibly brief you on his latest laundry crusade. Realising escape is impossible, you accept your fate, and hope that your torture will end soon.
78.
That’s such a boring answer! It’s probably the correct answer but this is a Choose Your Own Adventure?! Surely you want to pick something that’s *actually* adventurous? What are you really going to do?
– Offer to do all his coursework for the rest of the academic year (Go to 79)
– Laugh at him and leave without paying (Go to 80)
79.
He thanks you profusely and buys you a drink. I’m not sure you’ve realised what you’ve gotten yourself into, because this was a huge mistake. He studies chemistry and you study management – not a match made in heaven. You both fail your courses and are forced to drop out of university. FAILED.
80.
That was quite a heartless thing to do. But, if you think about it, you didn’t spend any money. And it does sound like quite a fun thing to do. SUCCESS?
81.
He calms down after some water and agrees that going home is the right thing to do. You drop him off at his house and walk back to yours. This has been a pretty rubbish night for you and you have a 9am tomorrow morning. Was all of this worth it? Not really. FAILED.
82.
That’s pretty generic conversation material, but it certainly works. You keep chatting for a bit and have the usual small talk about how busy you are all the time and how tiring your course is. After a while, you have another gap in conversation. Quick! Say something to fill the space!
– “Have you seen what Sally Mapstone wrote in her last email?” (Go to 83)
– “Are we gonna fuck or what?” (Go to 84)
83.
Now that’s an interesting conversation topic. You share an empassioned exchange about the nuances and details of Sally Mapstone’s emails. The conversation flows naturally and you both have a good time. Later, you go back to his place and you have the best sex of your entire life. SUCCESS!
84.
Ew! Gross! He finds what you said repulsive. You must have forgotten that he’s a staunch Christian and a firm believer in no sex until marriage. He did mention he was considering founding an abstinence society (you should have been paying closer attention earlier.) He leaves abruptly and doesn’t pay the bill. Also, you’re going to hell. FAILED.
85.
That’s the way to do it – use clear language to make it obvious that you are not interested. Men are dumb and they need to be signposted. He’s a little thrown off by hearing this and looks dejected. Eventually he decides he wants to leave to avoid the shame of rejection. You tell him you think that’s a good idea and make him feel even more uncomfortable. You didn’t have a fun night but you did put a chauvinistic man in his place and I’d say that’s a whole separate success. FAILED?
86.
You politely get up from your table and go in the direction of the toilet, but when you think he’s out of eyeshot, you quickly dart out the front door and run away. The only problem is you’re in The Criterion, where everyone can see the front door, no matter where you sit in the pub. He sees you leave and is very upset. That was a bit of a balls up, don’t you think? FAILED.
87.
He politely declines your offer and sets off by himself. You’re left in the pub by yourself and you think your night is over but then you remember – you could still hang out with your other friend on the fashion show committee. She said she was hanging out at The Adamson. What do you do?
– Text your friend and make your way to her (Go to 12)
88.
You wake up tied to a piano stool in the Music Centre. (You didn’t even know the Music Centre was finished yet, but like every university building, it is helpfully signposted in large lettering). Standing before you, aggressively dancing to Cut To The Feeling by Carly Rae Jepsen, is the familiar stranger from before. It’s Jamie Rees, also known as Spotify recording artist Jamie___rees! As you try to escape from your bonds, he starts to forcibly brief you on the plans for his next EP. Realising escape is impossible, you accept your fate, and hope that your torture will end soon.
89.
You wait in the pub after he goes. It’s a Tuesday night at The Criterion, so it’s not exactly packed. No-one else you know comes along and after a desperate 20 minutes, you slink away into the night, never to show your face here ever again. FAILED.
90.
You know that song, Sympathy for the Devil? Well, it’s an effective strategy. He thanks you for your support and offers to buy you a drink. You have a really good night with Satan and he even promises that you won’t get tortured too harshly when you end up in hell with him. Cool! SUCCESS!
91.
Satan is thrilled by the idea! He offers you a full-time torturing job in Hell. How lucky are you! It’s a well-paid job with plentiful benefits and you don’t even have to complete your degree! Not many people have that level of job security when they’re only in subhonours! This could be a real career for you! SUCCESS!
92.
Satan didn’t find that funny. He’s very sensitive about the biblical days. He instantly vaporises you and you die. FAILED.
93.
You aren’t sure how much time has gone by, but the brainwashing has worked. All you can think about is Jamie and the power of his mind. He even forced you to take a pill that he said would make you forget that you were kidnapped. Yeah, right! He finally releases you, safe in the knowledge that he can count on you to support his work. And if not… well, he can always catch you again.
You stumble back to your room, high as a kite, and fall into a deep sleep.
– Well, that was weird (Go to 1)
94.
You help her stumble home from The Adamson. Luckily, she lives on the Three Streets so it isn’t too far to go. After opening her front door she thanks you from the bottom of her shallow American heart and leaves. She doesn’t notice that she’s accidentally dropped a twenty pound note from her wallet as she opened her front door. Nice! That’s a win for you. SUCCESS!
95.
You get a round of shots for your group and your friend downs two in a row. Almost instantly, she passes out. Congratulations, you’ve willingly given your friend alcohol poisoning. A security guard helps you take her out of The Adamson but now you’re stuck there with her. You can’t get an ambulance to come, so you flag down a taxi and ride with her to Ninewell’s Hospital. You have to pay for the taxi, too. You don’t even like this girl that much. Rubbish and expensive night. FAILED.
96.
Starting a bar fight in The Adamson isn’t a very classy move. Furthermore, your friend is drunk and is fairly unhinged when intoxicated. She punches you in the face, knocking you out cold. This was not a very fun pub trip. FAILED.
97.
You walk out of The Adamson, but your friend is pissed. As an American, she knows all other Americans at this university, and she is not going to make life easy for you. She employs her network of powerful connections and does everything she can to make life a living hell for you. No-one seems to want to talk to you anymore, including lecturers (she’s that powerful.) Every pub and bar turns you away at the door (apart from Molly Malone’s – her connections aren’t that good.) Your life is effectively ruined from now on. No more fun pub nights for you. FAILED.
98.
Your BLT is clearly not that fresh, but it tides you over for your fifteen minute walk back home. For the duration of the walk, you spend your time thinking “I could have been eating cookies instead.” It’s a real downer. You should have bought cookies. Life is nothing but a series of regrets. FAILED.
99.
The cookies are sold out. You drop to your knees in Tesco. Why?! Why tonight?! A staff member asks you to leave and you do, dragging your feet behind you. You decide to just go home – your mood is too low to do anything else. This has been a markedly terrible trip into town. You should have never left the house. FAILED.
100.
The Tesco staff are confused when you rock up to the self-scanner with a courgette, but you know what you’re doing. You come home and use your spiraliser to create courgetti (courgette spaghetti – look it up, loser) You have a lovely, hearty meal of courgetti bolognese and hop into bed, ready for a busy day of classes ahead. SUCCESS!
101.
It’s a hot mess inside Dervish: the queue system as fallen apart, there are drunk students everywhere and the staff are having to shout to be heard. You scramble to the front of the queue and order and unfortunately you bump into some people you met once in first year who are really irritating. They drunkenly talk to you for ten whole minutes about how excited they are to be on polo committee until their food arrives. Once they leave, your number is called! You walk home with your chips but by the time you get home, the chips are cold and the cheese is congealed. Dervish was a mistake. #TeamEmpire. FAILED.
102.
You’re an idiot. You clicked on the link, read the intro, and ended up here? You couldn’t even manage to have fun on a digital night out, Buzz Killington. You know what? Your device malfunctions and electrocutes you. No one comes to your funeral. FAILED.
103.
You sneak into the sitting area of Dervish and start poking around in the leftover boxes, seeing if anyone has left some food there. You find a pizza box with a slice of pepperoni left in it. Score! Except, as you take it, you see a group of good friends in the corner watching you. They’ve clearly seen you snatch the leftover food, which is not exactly the classiest move. You’re so embarrassed by being caught, your body seizes up and you collapse onto the floor of Dervish. You’ve died of embarrassment. Not fun. FAILED.
104.
Rejuvenated by your snack, you head out with your friend to this new house party. You arrive and everyone is chatting and having a good time. You are introduced to some new acquaintances and also say hello to some mutual friends. Then the volume is turned up and everyone starts to dance, including you. What a fun time! You aren’t technically at the pub, but we’ll let you win this time because you do seem to be having a lot of fun. SUCCESS!
105.
You go home and eat snacks by yourself and overthink all of the conversations you’ve had today. I don’t know what you expected, that’s exactly what you said you’d do. It’s a bit rubbish really. FAILED.
106.
Your burn your tax return and it keeps you warm for a few minutes. It’s probably for the best – you had been committing illegal tax fraud for a while now and its best if the police don’t find out. You’re feeling a little peckish now. Where do you want to go for a snack?
107.
You rush to the bathroom and pee faster than you’ve ever peed before. You come back and… your friends are all still there. Such relief! It turns out that your worries were all unnecessary: your friends all genuinely like you and are happy to hang out with you. Isn’t that nice? SUCCESS!
108.
After about 10 minutes, your bladder gives up on you and you end up pissing yourself in The Rule. Your friends are really embarrassed and all decide to leave. You find yourself sitting alone in The Rule on a quiet Tuesday with urine all over your trousers. FAILED.
109.
You admit that you’ve had a problem for a while and you are very apologetic. You offer to repay them for the bread they stole. They say you should pay them back in drinks, which you agree to because you feel bad. Say hello to a negative bank balance! FAILED.
110.
Both parties know that you’re lying, so this is a bit awkward. They tell you they’re gonna try another pub but you should text them next time you’re out (hint: don’t text them – they hate you now). FAILED.
111.
Sometimes owning your mistakes is the best way forward. It’s embarrassing to talk about, but hey! Everyone makes mistakes, although not everyone makes mistakes that smell quite as bad as yours. Either way, you take it in your stride and laugh the whole thing off. Your friends find this admirable and decide to stick around with you for the night. Isn’t that nice? SUCCESS!
112.
You decide to make a dramatic and emotional exit because you friends start talking about something you aren’t 100% comfortable with. Does that remind you of anyone in your friendship group? Either way, you ruin your own night. FAILED.
113.
You went home. Boring. In a Choose Your Own Adventure story where your aim is to have fun at the pub, you went home. I hope you’re happy. FAILED.
–
Shoutout to Joseph Luke for editing this monstrosity, adding a couple of storylines, and wasting his time here on earth by adding hyperlinks.
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