While the last eleven weeks have certainly been a challenge, we have all done our best to fill time and stay cheerful in any way we can. Throughout the time in lockdown, many of us have chosen to discover and nurture new hobbies. Others have chosen to let loose, and make the most of this free relaxation time. There are, apparently, a few who have (somehow) managed to actually be productive and catch up on work, but I think that one might be an urban myth. What is certain, however, is that whether we like it or not, all of us have turned into one or more of the following people at some point during our time in lockdown.
After cutting up and trying to ‘upcycle’ all of their clothes at the beginning of lockdown (and ruining them), this person can now be found serenely knitting their fourteenth scarf in nine weeks. Their spare time is filled by browsing the haberdashery section of John Lewis online, as they wait for their artfully crafted watercolours of extremely rare and fascinating flowers (that actually turn out to be dandelions) to dry. They also attempted an at-home haircut on the first day of lockdown, and have since been in denial that their new ‘bangs’ were, in fact, a mistake. While the crafter is an easy target for mockery, we all wish we had the natural talent to be one.
Can be heard saying: ‘Don’t you love my new top? I upcycled it from an old pair of knickers.’
The Fitness Junkie
Before Lockdown, this fitness fanatic was just a normal person like you and me. However, they took the opportunity presented by quarantine to go on a journey of self-improvement and are now immensely smug because of it. How do we know? Only thanks to their endless recommendations of workout gurus on YouTube. That or their constant Instagram stories, showing off their toned stomachs, bulging biceps and 25-minute 5k that they did for charity with no training whatsoever. I’m not jealous, you’re jealous.
Can be heard saying: ‘I start every day with a morning session of Yoga with Adriene and honestly I just feel soooo at peace with myself!’
Pretty much the exact opposite of the Fitness Junkie, this person has made the most of the lack of enforced routine and accountability in a different way. What started innocently with biweekly Zoom pub quizzes -at which they maybe had one-too-many – quickly progressed into a cheeky glass (bucket) of wine with every meal. This was only made worse by the appearance of the good weather, giving an excuse (or instruction) to day drink at will.
Can be heard saying: ‘Did you see how binned I was at Zoom drinks last night?’
The TikTok Star
Perhaps simultaneously the most iconic and most irritating of the Lockdown characters, the TikTok star is 2020’s answer to the (wannabe) Instagram Influencer. You’ll find them sweating it out in their bedrooms at 2am, trying to record yet another dance to Beyoncé’s Savage Remix, purely so they can send it to the group chat with an air of effortless coolness. You can’t deny it’s impressive. Hence the definite hint of jealousy-fuelled annoyance.
Can be heard saying: ‘OMG duet me!!!’.
What’s that smell? It’s your housemate who hasn’t taken off their joggies in nine weeks. This person has made it through pretty much all of Netflix, and currently their only contact with the outside world is via Call of Duty. Reality has become a distant memory, and showering seems to be a thing of the past. After all, who needs the outdoors when there’s Fifa to fill the hole left by real sports? Who cares about world news when everything is going so superbly on your Animal Crossingisland? This person has also probably (secretly) watched the BBC’s Normal People at least three times through – and cried at every single episode. Despite their occasional grumbles of boredom, this person is actually loving the excuse to stay locked inside and in a constant state of comfort.
Can be heard saying: *grunts*
Inspired by the sudden and inexplicable global obsession with home-made banana bread, this person has crowned themselves the next Mary Berry. Characterised by incessant posting on social media of their oh-so-aesthetically-pleasing fairy cakes, smothered in pastel-coloured buttercream, this person can be found in the kitchen secretly shovelling neon almond mush that once hoped to be macarons into the bin. Baking day in and day… in(?), this person is the reason there is no longer any flour in the supermarkets.
Can be heard saying: ‘Baking just really soothes me’
Also known as the Stockpiler, the Conspiracy Theorist, or the Nut Case, this person is the reason that it felt like the apocalypse was coming back in March when everything kicked off. They can be found squeezing another twenty-four pack of Andrex into the cupboard, piling their shopping into a bath filled with disinfectant, or watching the frankly useless daily briefings from No.10. This person also probably believes that coronavirus comes from 5G towers, or that this whole thing is an evil plot crafted by the Chinese government.
Can be heard saying: ‘HaVE yoU wAshED yOUr haNDs?!’
The Big Spender
Since moving back in with their parents and being separated from their expensive social lives, this poor unfortunate has been left feeling bereft, at a loss for what to do with their hard-earned student loan. Instead of saving like some kind of chump, they have chosen to take this opportunity to experiment with how much ASOS packaging can realistically fit into a kitchen bin. They can be found scrolling through endless clothing sites, constantly checking UniDays and Student Beans to make sure they get that 10% discount – so they still feel like they’ve found a bargain.
Can be heard saying: ‘Um… I promise I’m gonna return most of it!!’
The absolute worst of the pandemic personalities, this person seems to think that government restrictions are merely flexible guidelines that can be twisted and avoided as they see fit. Thankfully, these people are usually uninfluential, delinquent teenagers wanting to leave home to hook up with their pals to drink Strongbow in a field. It’s lucky that no one powerful and influential ignored the ‘Stay home, Protect the NHS, Save lives’ message in this way. Even if they did, there’s absolutely no way they’d get away with it…
Can be heard saying: ‘Road trip anyone??? Durham’s only 260 miles away!’
The Key Worker <3
Ranging across all sectors from delivery to care, the key workers are all undeniable heroes. These people can be found selflessly manning the front lines in hospitals and care homes, driving refuse collection vehicles and delivery vans, teaching children of other key workers, and scanning items and stocking shelves in the supermarket. We owe everything to these absolute legends, so from all of us at The Record, we say a huge THANK YOU.
If you or a family member are a key worker struggling to cope at this uncertain time, please do visit https://www.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/toolkit/ourfrontline-keywork/ for some advice and support, available 24/7.
All jokes aside, whichever of these people you have found yourself to be (bar the Rebel), it is so impressive that we have all found ways to keep going during this difficult time. We have each played our part in saving lives, and for that we should be really proud.