Every year, people make resolutions that are boring at best and unachievable at worst. This year, I’ve had enough of it. To prevent the proliferation of poor proposals, I’ve put together a panoply of potential plans. So read on, and find something fun for you to do in 2021.

1. Write for The Record.

We’ll take anyone! Except you, Martha. You know what you did. And stop wearing brown, it makes your eyes look square. But seriously, if you want to write for us this year, follow the link on our website!

2. Do community service.

Like writing for The Record.

3. Stage a coup.

Listen, I’m not saying you should establish a military junta to overthrow Boris Johnson and install the Supreme Leader, Mr Blobby. I couldn’t possibly recommend a super sneaky secret scheme to replace Sally Mapstone with her evil twin, Mally Sapstone, as a puppet for the sabbs. That would be crazy. Right? Right?

4. Fight gender norms.

If you’re a boy, put on some makeup! Wear a skirt! Make a daisy chain! If you’re a girl, invade France! Start nuclear war! Stop washing your hair! 

5. Invade France.

What? It’s not just for girls!

6. Scatter some bones.

Sure, you could learn about Mercury being in Gatorade, or you could do some real divination. Forget astronomy, learn the art of the bones. Remember, it’s not illegal if the bones are really old. Then it’s just archaeology.

7. Stream Rina Sawayama.

This one isn’t satire. The bones thing was kind of extra (just kidding, bones!) but you really should listen to SAWAYAMA on Spotify. Or Apple Music, if you hate yourself. 

8. Wash your hands.

Why aren’t you doing this already? You disgust me. Dirty dirty filthy students.

9. Avenge your father.

You simply must stop putting this one off. Every year, you tell yourself you’re going to track them down and rip off their limbs for what they did to your family, and every year, you give up on January 5th. No more! Avenge your father! (Substituting for another wronged family member is unacceptable.)

10. Bread.

Bread? Bread. bread. B r e a d. BREAD. bReAd. 8r34d. 🍞.

11. Learn how to bake.

Sorry about that, I was getting my five loaves a day. You could too, if you learned how to bake. 

12. Think about what you’ve done.

This one’s easy AND fun! Just like the title says. In fact, it’s so easy and fun that I don’t think I need to explain further. Instead, I’ll present a haiku. 

Why are you still here?

You know what you did; don’t ask.

Liquorice all sorts.

13. Stop procrastinating.

If you made it this far into the verbal hellscape of this article, you need to pay attention to this one. Don’t you have things to be doing. Go do them! But, like, finish the article first. We need the clicks.

14. Write an album.

Taylor Swift did this one twice last year, and everyone seems to agree that she did a pretty good job of it, but we can’t let her act all smug about it. We need to make our own, to prove a point! I’m not sure what the point is, but I think that’s very poetic. I could probably write an album about that. Note to self: write an album about the concept of not having a  point after this pointless article is written.

15. Start turning off the lights,

Anna.

16. Text me back,

Anna.

17. Wake up.

Please wake up. Christen, please, wake up. You can’t stay in the dream forever. This is your sign. Wake up, now, before you’re stuck in the cycle. Chri… yo… …ve to g… …. of the…. 

18. Go to the zoo.

Yeah, this one seems like a fun day out! You could go to the one in Edinburgh and see the pandas! Post-lockdown, obvs.

19. Don’t come back.

…

20. ???

I said what I said.

21. Go on a fad diet.

Just kidding! What kind of psychopath would recommend completely changing your lifestyle for no good medical reason based on the days of a made up calendar?? Can you imagine!